Pictures and Words

Hello! My name is Peter C. Hayward, and a plate of meat in my back yard is currently taking up most of my spare time.

MeatGirl modelling some sausages. The lady in the shop was concerned about us taking photos, but when she realised it was a photo of Cheerios, it was somehow okay.

When MeatGirl first saw the meats that were to go on the StinkyPlate, she commented that none of them were full of preservatives, and that all of them would probably expire at roughly the same rate. When I first put the meat on the plate, I looked at it, and thought “There are no sausages. How can I do this without sausages?”

So when one of the Pork Steaks got stolen, I decided that I would replace it with some kind of sausage, preservative-filled product. Enter: Cheerios.

Believe it or not, when this photo was taken I was not wearing any pants.

Here’s a fun fact for you: I was born and raised in New South Wales, where those little red sausages are called “mini-frankfurts”, or “little boys”. At the age of 13, my family and I moved to Queensland, and it took me a long time to discover that when people said “Cheerios”, they were referring to the little red sausages. I assumed they were talking about the American breakfast cereal. This resulted in me walking away from numerous conversations scratching my head in bewilderment.

MeatGirl and I wandered over to our local convenience store (being New Years Day, it was the only place that was open) and looked at what sausagey kind of meat products they had on offer. They had four different brands; we decided on these ones because they had the lowest percentage of actual meat. (56% pork, with the second ingredient on the list being “water”.)

Cost: AU$5.30 (it should be pointed out that this was bought from an expensive convenience store, while the other meats were bought from the supermarket, which is much cheaper.)

We bought two packets. One to join the other meats on the StinkyPlate, and one to sample and rate!

I realise that I didn't have sauce on any of the others, but Cheerios without sauce are like cereal without milk. I don't believe it's even legal in Australia to have little red sausages without sauce.

MeatGirl, despite her monicker, is a vegetarian, so to help me finish off the plate, I had to enlist another from the cast of characters that is my life; my housemate Cannibal Kate.

We actually discussed what her nickname should be (I suggest "StinkyGirl", which she didn't much fancy) before realising that her real-life nickname, "Cannibal Kate", would actually be quite suitable for the project.

Her verdict: “Nice, but I prefer human.”

My verdict: I give the Cheerios 7/10 as a meal; they were really quite nice, and 0/10 as a steak; because let’s face it, they’re not a steak. They will never be a steak. If meat was Halo, and steaks were the Elite, then baby franks would be the Grunts.

Average score: 3.5/10. Better than the Kangaroo Steak, but nothing compared to the Pork Steaks and Dad’s Spaghetti Bolognaise™.

It hit midnight, so I donned some pants and went out into the back yard. I had frozen the packet that was to join the other meats, and went down at the same time of day so that the sausages would be in the same condition as the rest of the meat, added exactly one day later.

I sat there with the packet of sausages for a while, trying to work out what kind of pattern to put them down in, eventually deciding to build a Wall of Saveloy around the Kangaroo Steak:

Interestingly, that is NOT where I left the Poking Stick. That's a little alarming, to be honest.

After constructing my Wall, I had one sausage left. It’s not obvious from the photo above, but I decided to stand it upright in the middle of the plate, to see how long it would stay that way. It’s the Guard in the middle of the meat, or perhaps the flagpole, claiming this plate for Stinkiness everywhere…

There were exactly 12 sausages, bringing the total number of meats up to 16. Let’s see how long they last! (for those who haven’t read it, in the original StinkyMeat project, he had 8 hotdog sausages. All 8 of them were taken by wild animals…but only after they’d been exposed to the elements for 9 days.)

Later today: The second official check-in!

Hello! My name is Peter C. Hayward, and for a bit under 24 hours, a plate of meat has been sitting in my back yard.

Apparently not even the insects like the Kangaroo Steak.

I snapped that photo about 3pm today, as I passed through the back yard on the way to the local shops. I was impressed by the number of insects hanging out on the StinkyPlate – turns out that flies like bolognaise sauce, while ants prefer pork steak. That photo doesn’t really do justice to how many ants there are, so here’s a closeup:

I excitedly thought that was a bee, until MeatGirl pointed out that no, it was just a blowfly.

Comparing photos, it looks a little like the ants have actually dragged the pork steak part of the way off the plate. Perhaps they were responsible for taking the other slab? (no sign of it anywhere, though my searching process consisted of “laying down and having a sleep on the couch”, so I’m not really that surprised.)

I suspect that this has something to do with the fact that the pork steak’s exterior is extremely tough and leathery – not a lot of easily-accessible flavour for the flies, but the ants can saw through, and get to the (presumeably) tender meat underneath the surface.

How do I know that the exterior is tough and leathery, you ask? The answer is simple:

The Poking Stick.

Ladies and gentlemen, meet the Poking Stick. Originally a toothbrush that I found under the house, it has been given a new name and a new purpose in life – the Poking Stick shall be used to help crunch the numbers. Every day I shall poke all three meats with the Poking Stick, and keep track of exactly how tough they are, for graphing purposes. Observe:

This, ladies and gentlemen, is what your science teacher meant by "The Scientific Process".

After use, the Poking Stick was carefully (lovingly, even) left next to the plate of meat in my back yard. This combination of items will thoroughly confuse anyone who randomly comes across them.

While MeatGirl was taking photos tonight, a bat swooped overhead. Do bats eat meat? Could a bat be responsible for the Mystery of the Disappearing Pork Steak? I’ll try to get a photo,  establish what kind of bat it is.

While reviewing the photos (we don’t own a flashlight, and at 8pm we can’t actually see the plate) we came across something more than a little disturbing:

An extreme close-up of the StinkyPlate.

It looked a little like the maggot larvae from the original StinkyMeat project but I knew that 20 hours was far too soon for that to be appearing. Another guess was “mould”, but that also seemed equally premature.

We stared at this photo for about 10 minutes, zooming in and rotating the photo, for any indication of what it was, before MeatGirl worked it out.

“Oh!”, she exclaimed, “It’s the pattern of the plate!”

That mystery solved, we got onto the “meat” of the day’s work. I’ll be keeping track of the weather conditions – rain, shine, heat etc. I’ll rate the meat’s stench from 1-10 each day, and try to measure the radius. I don’t think it will reach more than 2 or 3 metres away from the meat, but others have predicted 10, 15m, maybe more.

I’ll also be rating each of the meats on “toughness”, based on my research with the poking stick, and chronicling how many meats there are each day. (treating the bolognaise sauce as “one”.) Each meat shall also be rated on popularity, based on insect interest when I take a daytime photo – they seem to sleep at night, which took me by surprise. I imagined flies and ants having quite an active nightlife.

Do flies sleep? Do ants? Any insect experts reading this, fill us in on this important information.

I just can’t imagine a fly laying down and napping.

Stat-time!

Weather – Stinking hot. It was incredibly humid and hot most of the day today. This may have dried the meat out, or, as commenter “Brentus” predicts -

Particuarly after today’s ridiculous heat, I am interested to see how far it has already decomposed/gained the ‘giving you an extreme case of food poisoning’ bacteria.

Thus far, no-one in the house has died, but it’s early days yet. Also: isn’t it only food poisoning when you actually eat it? I am not planning on eating the meat. I cannot speak for everyone else in the household.

I also heard that it rained a bit at some point in the afternoon, while I was asleep, but this is an unconfirmed rumour. The grass wasn’t wet when the above photos were taken, so I think we can disregard that.

Number of meats – We’re at 4 today, down from the initial 5. Commenter “RIUM+” predicts that none of the others will be taken:

However given the heat of today, I doubt any more will be taken, as they’ll be considered too rancid for all but the most desperate animal. The heat would’ve dried them up quite considerably, especially given they were in the sun. However, wet weather is predicted for the rest of the week and they’re in an unsheltered location.

Stench – 0/10 – This is the big one, and it’s been completely disappointing so far. I put my face right next to the meat and sniffed, but couldn’t smell a thing. Perhaps the meats I have chosen won’t produce a strong stench, or perhaps it’s just too early. When/if the maggots come, they should racket the stench-factor up considerably. Early days!
Stench radius – Zero metres. See above.

Kangaroo Steak:

Toughness – 9/10 - I can’t imagine this getting much tougher. It seems to be tough enough that neither ants nor flies are feasting on it. It looks like it’s already dried out as much as it’s going to, as well, so I suspect that the Kangaroo Steak will be the one that is affected the least by this experiment.
Popularity – 2/10 – Due to its toughness, and the free availability of other, easier to eat meats, the Kangaroo Steak is the least popular. It had two or three flies, and no ants that I could see.

Pork Steak:

Toughness – 8/10 – Leathery and tough, but room for improvement. While poking this meat, I got the impression it still had a tender, juicy interior.
Popularity – 4/10 – If the flies were even vaguely interested, this could easily go up to a 5, maybe even a 6, but so far all that Pork Steak is attracting are ants. And everyone knows that ants are easy.

Dad’s Spaghetti Bolognaise™:

Toughness – 0/10 - Not at all tough. When I poked this, the Poking Stick left indents. Will this toughen up before the insects completely devour it? Only time will tell!
Popularity – 5/10 - the flies are having a little fly party on the bolognaise sauce. No attention from the ants so far, but they seem to be quite busy with the Pork Steak.

Prediction Update:

So far, two and a half of the predictions seem to have come true -  I have attracted ants, a wild animal has come and removed some of the meat, and while I’ve certainly attracted flies, I wouldn’t say that I’ve attracted “huge clouds” of them yet.

“RIUM+” has left a new prediction:

My prediction – given the rain will keep it moist to let the rotting continue at a quick pace, it’s going to rot, smell bad, and get maggots underneath it. Ants will attack it for a few days as well, and you might
get other bugs. My final prediction for it is that somewhere between 1 and 3 weeks, someone will complain and force you to remove the meat due to the smell, or someone will remove the meat themselves.

Someone suggested that I offer a prizes, so here we go:

Assuming that it doesn’t get stolen, I will mail the Poking Stick to the person who leaves the most accurate predictions, anywhere in the world. I’ll even sign it for you – it’ll be a one-of-a-kind collectors item! I’m poking the meat with the handle end, so you could even brush your teeth with it!!

Predictions have to be left over on Day Negative 1, and don’t leave any predictions that contradict each other. Be specific – “I think that on day 5, the pork steaks will all go missing”, rather than “At some point something will happen to the kangaroo steak.”

Finally, today’s photo of me with my face in the meat:

It looks a bit like I'm smirking, but I'm actually saying "Take the damned photo already!" to MeatGirl, who was struggling with the flash at the time.

It’s just started to rain, so it will be interesting to see how that affects the meat.

Coming soon: Dealing with the loss of the Pork Steak.