This computer uses such an old version of Internet Explorer that I can’t even see what I’m typing, so please excuse any typos in this entry.

Updates coming soon!

I hear back tonight about jobs, and I’ll have finished moving in tomorrow, but I won’t be posting my thoughts or commenting until my blog posts for days 22-28 go up. They’re currently in the mail from Gavin to me, but as soon as I get them, I’ll start typing them up.

Some people have commented (I’ve had a chance to read through a few of the comments) that I can’t be trusted to type up my own blog posts without editing them. I don’t completely understand the logic there, but if anyone else is volunteering to type them up, I’ll happily hand the task over. I can scan them in as soon as they arrive, if you like, just to show that I haven’t added or omitted anything, it doesn’t bother me. I was completely honest while writing them, I’ll be completely honest while typing them up.

Thanks for being involved so far, even if it’s just as a reader, but especially if you’ve been participating in the comments or linking to the blog. I’d heard so much, I was extremely wary when I first loaded the comments up, but I’m been overwhelmed by the intelligent level of discourse that’s been going on. It’s fascinating reading; even people who think that I’m Satan incarnate have had interesting and well-written points to make.

Lastly, and I’m going to be pushing this all week, there’s still another few weeks left to donate. We’ve hit over $1800 so far – when I put in my share, we’ll almost be at $2000. I’d love it if we could reach $2800 by the end of March, so if you’ve got any spare change around (2 days off the streets, and I’m still asking for change…) consider clicking through – every cent goes to a worthy cause, StreetSmart Australia cover their administrative costs separately.

(of course, if you think I’m scum and hate everything I’ve done so far, I don’t expect you to donate through my fundraising page, but do consider giving money to them or another charity.)

Up next: Days 22-24

I think that at this point, 95% of what’s going to happen has happened, so rather than hour-by-hour replays of my days, from now on I’ll just be writing about the highlights. If I have a particularly fascinating day, I’ll make an exception, but I’m really just riding the month out at this point. Some people have promised to pledge based on how long I laugh (Gavin: I’m going to assume he meant “last”, but that’s just me), and I won’t feel comfortable in myself if I give up before the month is up, otherwise I’d seriously consider calling it quits and staying on a friend’s sofa until the month ends.

Friday
- Was awoken for, the first time in my life, by a dog barking at me. This was at 6am; the owner either didn’t notice me, or didn’t care, and called him over. I went straight back to sleep, until about 11.

- I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this, but since about the end of the first week, I’ve been having really vivid dreams. I presume it’s a combination of lack of external stimulus, as well as the fact that I haven’t been (creatively) writing. My brain must have extra imagination juice stored up, and it releases this when I’m asleep.

- Caught a tram back into the city – in the wrong direction at first, but worked it out after about 10 minutes.

- Spent a few hours at the sustainable living festival, which was on at Fed Square. One booth gave me some free organically-grown apples, which tasted exactly like regular apples to me. The stage manager noticed me milling about, and (after a chat in which she learned I was homeless) gave me a voucher for some free (organically brewed, I assume) beer. (Gavin: Because that’s what you want to give a homeless man. Aren’t a large percentage of homeless people abusers of some form of drug or another?)

She then tracked me down again at lunchtime and gave me her lunch voucher (ever volunteer got a free lunch) which was lovely of her. I had a veggie-burger which was nice enough (obviously, unlike the LotF burgers, not meat) but not really very filling, so I went up to Crossways and (looking like I’s already paid) took 2 bowls of desert.

Honestly, I think this is the worst thing I’ve done this month (Gavin: Let the flaming begin). At the time I reasoned that I’d been there yesterday and paid, and not had any desert. I cleared tables for about half an hour afterwards, (they were pretty busy, and people left a mess) but I still feel bad about it, and will definitely give them some money when I have it.

(Gavin: I think it would have been a smart idea to tell them that he couldn’t pay, and gone with the “Work for your meal” thing they have that he told us about. But, y’know, I’m one of them crazy folks you hear about sometimes)

- At around 6, I headed into Melbourne Central. To my surprise, both bakeries were already out of hot food, and the manager at the donut place was one who doesn’t do freebies.

- I went up to the State Library, begging along the way (25c from a guy on the streets, 40c from a girl at the lights), but had an embarrassing moment when I asked a girl who was sitting on the grass.

“Are you,” she said in a thick accent (which made my heart sink; so far I’ve not gotten dollar one out of a foreigner) “… retarded? I just gave you money like 5 seconds ago.”

“Did you? When?” I asked her in surprise, as she didn’t seem at all familiar.

“At the lights,” she replied. Turns out she must have been the one who gave me 40c. I would never have guessed it; truth be told, I thought the girl at the lights was Australian.

My face glowing red, I headed back down to Central food court.

I asked a lady on the escalators, who rudely replied in the negative, and then proceeded to have a conversation with her friend about how much she hated people asking her for money, as if I wasn’t even there.

I mean, fair enough, I can see how it could be annoying, but there’s such a thing as basic manners, or at least treating people like, you know, humans.

I had much better luck at the food court – if people have just bought food, they’re:
a) Hungry and more likely to empathise with you, and
b) Much more likely to have change on hand.

I got 70c from a pair who were eating, $2.45 from a girl who apologized for not having more, and $3 from a lady who had just bought some noodles.

I noticed an Asian place selling the mysterious food that the fellow bought me quite early on in the month – turns out that they are pork dumplings: 90c each, or $4 for 5 at the end of the day. I was tossing up between them and KFC’s $3.45 for chicken and chips, so I claimed to only have $3, to see if she’d do me some kind of deal (maybe 4 for $3 or something). She didn’t, so I was standing in line at KFC when a man came up to me, and pressed $1.35 into my hand. “Get some dumplings,” he said.

Almost every day this month, I’ve been almost overwhelmed by people’s generosity. It never ceases to amaze me.

- Outside, dumplings in hand, I ran into my friend Gareth (from Brisbane) who was on his way to meet another friend I know, Jade (also from Brisbane). Not knowing when I’d get to see either of them again, and also not having anything better to do, I went along.

I had fairly long chats with both of them, and was surprised to find my brain having trouble keeping up. I’d frequently just space out and have no idea what to do or say next. I assume that this is just because I’ve spent so much time in my own head lately, and with regular socializations this will go away.

- I headed out to the Docklands to find somewhere to sleep. Ended up going along a path by a river my map informs me is called “Moonee Ponds”, and hopping a fence to find somewhere safe to sleep for the night.

Saturday
- Awoken by the sun at 8am, I decided to head into the Queen Vic Markets to find some cheap fruit to buy with the rest of my money. I ended up getting a kilo of delicious, sweet bananas (Gavin: Ooh, I’m also going to have a banana) for $1.50 and 3 apples for the same.

- I played “leftovers” in the food court for about half an hour, but only got a few pieces of bacon for my trouble. I staked far too much time on a really skinny guy with a huge plate of food – let two other half-plates of rice go while waiting for him to give up, but to my impressed astonishment, he got through the whole plate.

- The lady in the library had told me that the Hare Krishna at Albert Park did free food on Saturday and Sunday nights, so I caught a tram out and partook in that. It was the same food they do at Crossways, but served straight out of buckets, which is strangely off-putting.

I must have been hungrier than I realised, I surprised myself by having two servings. The yogurt drink isn’t sweet like it is in the cities, and I found it quite unpleasant. Everything else was nice though.

- Albert Park is on the beach, so I spent about 6 hours there before falling asleep on a bench by the sand at about half-past one. I even went in for a swim, but only ended up going in up to my waist – the water was so cold.

Sunday
- Someone actually turned up to the meet-up, which was a pleasant surprise. Her name was Erika, and she could only talk for a few minutes, but she seemed nice enough. She offered me an apple, which I had to turn down.

- The second Stop the Filter meeting was productive – I designed a poster, which I’ve emailed to Gavin, so hopefully he’ll put it up here (Gavin: If I can figure out how). Any Melbournites should seriously consider coming along – do some research on the filter, you’ll learn how ridiculous it is, and see why we’ve got to do everything we can to stop it.

- Afterwards, Danyel and Michael headed out to “Lentil as Anything”, a pay-as-you-please vegetarian restaurant in Abbotsford. I’d first heard of these places when I was doing 28 Days, 28 Dollars last year, but never actually been to one.

It was amazing. Even after this month is up, I plan on going back a few times, and contributing generously (to make up for the fact that I couldn’t give anything this month). It was an open buffet, as well as serving teas, coffees and hot chocolates, and everything was delicious. I really strongly recommend you check it out.

- Afterwards, Dantel and Michael caught a tram home, I had a 2 hour nap in a park, and then (with nothing in particular else to do) headed back for some more (Gavin: Lentils, I assume).

- LaE is at a convent, so I found a quiet place in the garden to rest, and slept there.

Up Next: Peter returns

8am – Woke up. Got up straight away so that if anyone did come across me I’d look like a lost tourist instead of a guy who had obviously slept in the graveyard. Say and looked at grave stones for the next half-hour, until a man with 3 dogs passed. Either he didn’t notice me, or he didn’t care, because he and the dogs just kept walking.

I headed down to the area of fence I’d climbed over, picked up my belt which I’d accidentally left there, and headed out the gate.

I grabbed the next tram that passed by, and was dropped off right in the city. I decided to do some begging unil Crossways opened (the Hare Krishna place) opened, and grab a meal there.

One guy gave me 50c, the next $4.50, and I considered claiming to have forgotten my student card (Gavin: They must do cheaper prices for students?), but with 2 hours until it opened, I figured I’d try my luck.

Nothing for a while, then a couple in Fed Square gave me $1.80, which put me up to enough to afford a meal (Gavin: Something from last entry that I forgot to put in, he had bought a weekly bus ticket to go and see houses, because he didn’t expect to find one so quickly. This cost him $20 or so, and used up the rest of Bob and Carol’s money).

9:30-11:30am – I sat at Fed Square for a while, watched the big screen, and then headed up to the city library to check my email. Elizabeth (my sister) had emailed me to say that mum was happy to pay for my phone credit, since it was a safety thing. She didn’t think it broke my rules, which I’m inclined to agree with (Gavin: But how exactly she’s going to get the money to him when he doesn’t have any cards on him is beyond me. I guess I’ll have to keep reading).

11:30am – Tofu curry at Crossways today: I had a plate and a hald, as well as several cups of the white yoghurty liquid. I also read a book that was on the table, about Hare Krishna (Gavin: I accidentally typo’d that as “Hate Krishna”), and it makes a lot more sense to me now. I won’t be converting tomorrow or anything like that, but I’m glad I understand it.

12:30 – Left Crossways, full and sleepy, and staggered down to the City Library. I checked my email again, alerted a few houses that I was no longer looking, and then did the Sudoku near the consoles for a while.

A girl recognised me from the mX article, and mentioned that she was squatting at the moment. We discussed looking for a place to live while you’re homeless, and she told me about a website, couchsurfing.com. It’s interesting – the three people who have recognised me (or at least recognised and then talked to me) from the article are all people who relate to it in some way – two homeless people (one in tents, one squatting) and a security guard.

The city library has a PS2, and I sat and watched people play FIFA, a soccer game, until about 1pm when I drifted off to sleep…

5:30pm – Woke up. Jesus, I must have been tired. Or perhaps it’s the fact that I have nothing particularly to do, no where in particular to go. I’ve decided to start job-hunting next week, but aside from the meet-ups (one for this and one for Stop the Filter) on Sunday, I have no deadlines or appointments. When I’ve not got much to do, I seem to sleep more.

I checked my email again, checked out the couch surfing website, and then decided to grab an mX and head up to Central. Even when I’ve got no set schedule, I still seem to have a sort of daily routine.

6pm – Arrive at Central, read paper, start Sudoku. I don’t think I’ve finished a Sudoku all week.

7pm – The lady at the donut shop had already spotted me and put 6 donuts aside. The bakery has a different girl working, so I explain my situation, and she gives me a sausage roll.

There’s another bakery next to my regular one, and I notice that they throw out hot food as well. Might see if I can grab something from there tomorrow as well, share it around.

I give 2 donuts to the man w/ dog outside Central. I try to give him 3, but he’s not interested, so I eat the rest myself. Delicious.

7:20pm – I remember that Thursday night is free film night on the big screen at Fed Square, so I grab a city circle tram to see if I can catch the end of it (“The Winter Issue”, it started at 7).

Several people aren’t sure which stop to get off, so I help them. Others overhear this, and “since you’re bing a tour guide anyway,” ask me some questions.

Just from catching the tram so often, I’ve picked up all sorts of bits and pieces about the city.

Amy and Ash: That “cone” you were talking about is at Melbourne Central, the place I go to do Sudoku and get food every day. It was historically used to make shot (presumably) for shotguns.

7:45 – Arrive at Fed Square. Catch the end of The Winter Issue. It makes me want to see The Devil Wears Prada again.

8:25pm – I’m not even remotely tired (5 hour naps will do that to you) and I’m in a movie-watching mood, so I catch a tram back up to Melbourne Central and sneak into the cinemas again.

8:45 – There’s a line when I arrive, so I skip to the fron and claim to have left my mobile inside. She lets me in without a second glance. I see “Shutter Island” in full, which is beautifully shot, but horribly disapointing. Don’t bother.

11:15pm – The movie over, I catch a tram out of the city to find somewhere to sleep. Ticket inspectors get on the first tram I’m on, but overlook me. I’m nervous that they’re going to notice me any second though, so I get off and catch the next tram.

To my surprise, this one also has ticket inspectors on it. I get away with showing my concession weekly, and claim to have forgotten my wallet, but it’s close. If the ticket inspectors hadn’t taken pity on me, I would have been up for a $172 fine.

12am – I find a park to sleep in and settle down.

Up Next: Days 19 – 21

It’s purely preposterous the period that’s passed since I posted pages upon pages of Peter’s plottings. Perish thoughts of Peter’s passing, I’ve been perpetually pounded by piles of post-holiday, uh, shit.

It was the first week back at uni, and I’ve been incredibly busy with that, work and play rehearsals. I’ll try to get something typed up while I’m at work today, but then I may very well take up the suggestion of “Peter’s Mother” and mail any remaining letters back to the man himself to deal with.

But onto the topic at hand: Tomorrow is the final Sunday Meet-up of the month, as it is also the very last day of the month. Peter will be outside the State Library from 6pm until about 11:30pm.

And now, I’m going to work. Toodle-pip!

Tuesday
-Woke up at 8am. Bought a cup of tea from McDonalds ($1.90) and, since they’re refillable, had 4 cups as I typed up Sunday’s events and watched the news.

-The first cup of tea was one of the worst I’ve ever had. For the rest, I got 3 sugars, which made them slightly more palatable.

-When I went for my 4th cup, she only gave me one milk instead of 2, which I took as a sign I’d outstayed my welcome (I’d been there for almost 3 hours at that point).

-Decided to start looking for a place to live once the month is up, so went to the State Library ($1) and applied for about 100 houses in the Melbourne area (and, it turned out, one in Geelong).

-Went to the restaurant that Danyel and Michael recommended and got “Don” (chicken) teriaki to take away. I was indeed plentiful and delicious ($6.40).

Gavin: Here it gets too blurry to make out. He (apparently) went on a couple of house inspections, walked a lot, and discovered that he had a blister, which he didn’t pop, and slept at the MCG.

Wednesday
-Woke up to my alarm at 8.

Gavin: More blurriness. Something about going back to the library, setting up more inspections and researching blisters. He then inspected more houses.

-When looking at houses, I didn’t tell them that I was homeless. I’d dump my backpack and sleeping bag in a front yard a few doors up (one without a car in the driveway) and change into a shirt that I haven’t worn yet, a black one with a dragon on it. It doesn’t smell.
-I’d pour some water on my hair, straighten it slightly, and walk with a spring in my step.

Gavin: He evidently found a house that he liked, and they said he could move in after February.

-I head up to a park I know. To my surprise it’s brightly lit and full of people. I check my map, and just down the road is the Melbourne Cemetery.

-After another half-hour of walking (blerrrgh) (Gavin: He’d complained about walking throughout the letter. And his blister) I get there, and discover it’s got a huge fence around it, and barbed wire on top of that (Gavin: It’s almost like they don’t want people sleeping there). I follow the fence for about 500m until I find a gap in the barbed wire, and climb over.

-Breaking into the graveyard was fun (Gavin: And so, I hear, is doing Satanic rituals while you’re in there). I used my sleeping bag to cover the barbed wire and hoisted myself over.

-Inside the cemetary I walk for another 10mins or so until I find a grassy, secluded area away from the main paths.

-At about 10pm, I drift off to sleep.

-At 10:30, a helicopter directly overhead wakes me up. I briefly panic, until I realise how unlikely it is that they’re looking for me.

Strangest Thought:
Agent Smith: But what good is corn-on-the-cob, if you don’t have any… teeth? (Gavin: Perhaps he ate corn earlier in the day?)

-Tomorrow, I plan on lazing around and doing very little. Bliss. 10 days to go!

Up Next: Day 18

Another mostly uninteresting day, so for the sake of poor Gavin (who I’m informed is having more and more trouble with my handwriting), I’ll do dot points, and then elaborate on the interesting bits.

-Woke up at 10, having slept through the “text my sister” alarm (Gavin: Which, for those of you playing at home, he does twice a day at 9am and 9pm, just so we know his last location if he happens to go missing). I must have been tired.

-Found the cheap Hare Krishna place. Bought a meal for $6.50 – Jasmine rice, veggie curry, orange cordial, some strange yoghurt drink, and raisins and custard for desert.

-Went to the free “circus workshop” at Fed Square. Learned to juggle (9 throws in a row without the wall there, 30+ with).

-Napped at Fed Square.

-Took the mX and Went to Melbourne Central via the free tram. No amusing drunks, which was terribly disappointing.

-Finished the Sudoku, but was frustrated by the crossword. Got a free sausage roll from the bakery, nothing from the donut place (“the bosses are out the back, sorry”).

-Wandered aimlessly for a bit.

-Got into the movie theatre for free; caught the end of “Valentines Day” (terrible) and the whole of “Wolfman” (liked it).

-Went to Coles to see if they had any cheap chicken (they didn’t).

-Went to sleep in a… carpark? What I thought was a churchyard.

Elaborations

- The Hare Krishna place was lovely. I originally went to the address that Bob and Carol had given me, 139 Swanston.

It was very classy, and a bit pricey. I walked to the top of the stairs, and entered the restaurant.

“I’ve heard this is a good place to get a cheap feed,” I say to the lady behind the counter in a questioning sort of voice.

“That’s 123 Swanston,” she replies. “It’s up the stairs like this, Crossways.”

This is on the “odd-numbered” side of the street, so I’m confused as to how 123 Swanston can be across the way.

“123 Swanston?” I confirm.

“Crossways,” she agrees.

I head to 123 Swanston. Turns out the cheaper Hare Krishna place is called “Crossways”.

There’s lots of Hare Krishna dogma lying around, so I read a fair amount of it while I’m eating. Very little of it makes much sense to me – everything I read is full of assumptions that I already know what the various terms are, and who the “characters” are. I always get so frustrated when Christian propaganda starts with an explanation of who Jesus is; now I see the advantages.

It’s “all you can eat”, but after one plate I’m full. I attempt a second desert, but get less than halfway through before giving up.

On the way from Crossways (which I forgot to mention, has the most beautiful art on the walls) I am stopped by a Hare Krishna guy on the street who is selling… religious texts? Religiously-themed novels? Discussions of religion? I know so little about the Hare Krishna. He’s selling Hare Krishna books, and once he discovers that I have no money, we get to chatting (He’d normally give me one for free, but donations have been slim to non-existent today).

Turns out he was homeless a few years back, over in St. Kilda during the winter (I can’t even imagine, I say, which is true. Winter homelessness must be a hundred times harder than it is in summer). I’m impressed by how many people I’m meeting who have either been homeless themselves, or work with/know people who work for homeless charities. Though I suppose it makes sense- those with homeless connections are more likely to talk to a homeless person.

He tells me that Crossways will often let you eat for free, in exchange for an hour of washing up, or half an hour’s work in the kitchen. Next time I’ve no money (Gavin: And, presumably, time to spare) I may explore this option.

Nice guy, and interesting to chat to (he tells me that the Crossways record for refills on an “all you can eat” plate is 9. 9 returns!), but I’m keen to check out the free circus lessons, so I go on my way.

- I wasn’t really intending to sneak into the theatres. I was feeling extremely restless, and was curious to see how easy it would be. I went up a set of stairs, and was surprised to find myself at the cinema entrance. There was a guy there, ready to check tickets. I walked past him, and discovered the escalator I was going to go down was in fact an “up” escalator.

I gestured to the down escalator, which was only accessible by going past the ticket guy. He looked at me, puzzled.

“Can I go through to get to the other escalator?” I clarify.

“Sure,” he nods, and I step past him. To my right is the path to the other escalator, to my left are cinemas 1-9.

“Would it be okay,” I ask, “if I saw a movie for free instead?”

“Well,” he replies, “It’s my job to stop you from doing that, so no, not really.”

“I don’t have any money,” I point out, “so you wouldn’t be losing a ticket sale or anything.”

He doesn’t answer.

“What if it were an accident? What if I turned left instead of right, so sort of got lost and accidentally see a movie for free?” I suggest.

“Well,” he says slowly, “that would be pretty stupid, especially since there are cinemas the other way. If you wandered into one of those, I’d have no way of knowing and wouldn’t be able to stop you.”

He points past the escalators to cinemas 10 and 11, which I hadn’t noticed before.

“Oh,” I reply. “Well… I’m just going to, you know, go that way. Towards the other escalator.”

“Have fun,” he says. “Don’t get lost.”

- At Coles, there’s no cheap chicken, so I browse the entire shop, looking for anything cheap. Nutella (Coles-brand) (Gavin: Which I maintain is not “Nutella”, but “Coles-brand Hazelnut Spread”. Yes, people have accused me of being needlessly pedantic in the past. Why do you ask?) is still by far the cheapest chocolate product at $1.20/400g (second are discounted chocolate bars at 94c/52g) so I grab 2, figuring I can make them last me the rest of the month. Did I mention that my last jar got ant-infested and I had to throw it out? I hate ants. I’m going to take much better care of these two.

-At about 11:30pm, I’m briefly awoken by 3 girls, who drop two packets of Mi Goreng next to my head*. I wake up long enough to notice their faces (they’re cute) and say thank you. Not to seem ungrateful- I’m genuinely touched, and again, impressed by the kindness of strangers- but there’s not really much I can do with these. I have no bowls or access to boiling water, and Mi Goreng isn’t great raw (see day 1 of 28 Days, 28 Dollars).

*Not the way I’d ideally be woken by 3 girls…

Up Next: Day 16

Firstly: Peter and I were taught that while doing stand-up comedy, it’s a good idea to adopt a character; they don’t have to be radically different from you, they can even have your name, but it can make things a little easier. That doesn’t have much to do with the rest of what I’m going to say, but you have to remember that there is a separation between what someone is on stage, and what they are in real life.

Secondly: You have to remember that different people have different senses of humour to you; not everyone is the same. I know, weird, right? So, what you find distasteful and humourless, other people may find rib-achingly funny. Also, topics that you may think should never be joked about, others might see some potential for humour in. It’s something that I have learned you (grudgingly) have to accept.

The main thing I wanted to talk about (quickly, as I have to leave for work soon) is that what people say while on stage mostly isn’t <strong>real</strong>. Remember this, it will be important later on. In the clip, for those of you who haven’t watched it, Peter makes some (yes, rather crude) jokes about his “mother” and “father”. Remember what I said just before, about things on stage not always being real? That’s right, this is one of them.

Peter is not talking about his real, actual, factual parents (you could argue that the character is talking about the character’s actual parents, but then you’re venturing into the realm of absurdism). When I was doing stand-up around the same time (which no videos exist of, thank goodness), I made jokes about meeting my first girlfriend while I was drunk, getting invited around to one of my teacher’s houses for a bit of “fun”, and getting an erection while studying the pyramids (it was “the biggest cock-up in history”!). I was not talking about my actual girlfriend, my real teachers or a factual event.

Yes, you may not appreciate his humour, and no, the jokes aren’t very good. But honestly people: get over it! The Homeless February posts really aren’t a forum for general Peter-hating or Peter-loving. If you have comments to make about the video, go over to youtube and make them there.

I’m sure Peter will be delighted to discuss all of this with you when he returns in a week, but as of now, your circular discussions are clogging up my inbox.

<strong>On another topic:</strong> Peter has asked for suggestions of what to do with his final week. Leave them in comments here, and I’ll text them to him tonight.