D: Hey there little buddy! L: (downbeat) Hi Digga. D: What's wrong, Linus? L: I'm sad. D: Awww, why's that little fella? L: I've got herpes. D: What?? L: I've got herpes. D: Linus!! What are you doing getting herpes? L: Well...the other day I said I had nothing to do, and you said I should head out and get some herpes! D: Hobbies, Linus! I said you should get some hobbies!! L: Ohhhhh! D: I even said you should try the saxophone or something! L: Do you know how hard it is to get herpes from a saxophone?? D: No! L: I do! D: Linus! L: I couldn't do it! I had to go out and try to get herpes the old-fashioned way! D: I know I'm going to regret asking this, but...what's the old-fashioned way? L: Don't you know? D: I know...I just...I just want to see if /you/ know. L: The old-fashioned way! Kissing someone who has a cold-sore! D: Oh! Oh, so when you say you've got /herpes/, you mean you've got a cold-sore! L: Well...no... D: Then what /do/ you mean? L: Well, I couldn't find anyone to give me a kiss... D: Oh Linus, that's so sad... L: So I had to get a blow-job from a hooker. D: Linus! L: And that's when I found my OTHER problem! D: What's that, Linus? L: I don't have a penis! D: What? L: See? (he gestures to his crotch) L: Nothing! D: Well that's no good... (Linus starts nuzzling where his penis would be.) L: Nothing at all! D: Linus... L: So I thought I'd /never/ get herpers! D: Well Linus, that's a good thing! L: But then I found out you could get herpes from a toilet seat! D: Oh god... L: So I went to every public toilet in town, and now I've got herpes! Hooray! D: Linus, you didn't have to do that! L: But it worked! D: And now you've got herpes! L: I know! Isn't it great! D: No! Linus...I think it's time someone taught you about safe sex. L: I've learned a lot about sex in the last few days! D: Safe sex, Linus, SAFE sex! L: Okay! D: Um...where do I begin...well, when two people love each other very much... L: Do they both have to be people? D: Uh, I suppose not. When an elephant loves a... L: A person? Kinky! D: No! When two elephants love each other very much... L: Oh, I know! How about when an elephant loves a toilet seat very much? D: ...Linus, what exactly did you do to the toilet seat? L: That's private. (pause) L: But it was beautiful! D: Linus! L: You don't know what love is! D: Linus! I...I know! I'll teach you about condoms. (to the crowd) D: Does anyone have a condom? No - D: What a pessimistic crowd... Yes - D: Boy, you're confident. (to the girl) What is this, your third date? L: Maybe she's just easy! D: Okay Linus, come here. This is a condom. You put it on your...um...we'll... L: On my nose? D: Yes, that'll have to do. Put it on your nose. (Digga puts the condom on Linus's nose.) L: (nasal) This feels weird... D: Yes, well this will stop you from getting diseases...like herpes... L: Oh! But...why aren't you wearing a condom on your nose? D: Well, because... L: Is it because your nose is too big? D: Oh, come on! Like you can talk! L: Oh...is it because no one loves you? D: No! L: Not even a toilet seat? D: It's not because no one loves me! L: Awww, it's okay Digga! I like you! Come here! I'll give you a kiss! D: I don't want a kiss! You've got herpes! L: It's okay, I'm wearing a condom! Come here! Muah muah muah muah! D: No! Quit it! L: I just want to love you! D: Linus!! (Digga takes Linus's condom and stretches it over his whole body.) L: Mmmm! Mmm mmm mmm! D: Anyway, that's all for tonight. I'm Digga, and this is Linus! L: Mmm mmmmmm mm! D: Good night!