Gospel

The each of the gods have their own gospel, (also known as a "Bible" or "Holy scroll".

(note: the unholy gods do not refer to their gospels as Holy scrolls.)

Priests of All-That-Is tend to get a bit narky about people making full copies of their Holy scrolls (a large part of a priest's income can be from the manufacture and sale of Holy scrolls) and so the bulk of each gospel is known only to those who own a copy.

Certain parts of each bible have made their way into public knowledge, however. Here are some examples:

The Gospel of Geoff

The Gospel of Geoff starts with the religion's creed: "A biscuit a day is quite delicious." This is normally delivered with a pause after "day".

It goes on to say "Two biscuits a day is even more delicious," continuing in this manner up to "31 biscuits a day, while delicious, may be pushing it a bit."

Nakira's Word

"Nakira's Word" is an expression used by people ironically, to emphasize a lie. "On Nakira's Word, I don't want to marry you." In addition, it is the name of the Bible of Nakira, God of Lies.

Nakira's Word tells more than 23 accounts of how she created the universe, starting with "It was a lie that got out of control". Other stories:

• "Bought it on sale"
• "Created 6 other universes as test runs, before settling on this one"
  • Worshippers of Nakira use this to explain where stories of the mythological creatures came from.
• "Lifted a pea, and there it was."
  • Regilious scholars are still trying to determine exactly what a "pea" is. Current philosophical theroy is that it is a special cushioned stool, used to rest one's feet upon.

The Gospel of Serra

The gospel of Serra, God of Apathy, is rumoured to be the shortest of all the gospels. Despite this, no one knows what it contains, as not a single worshipper of Serra has bothered to read it.

• It is assumed to contain the religion's creed, "Passionate about apathy."

The Gospel of Yashel

Priests of Yashel, God of Wealth, claim that his gospel contains the definitive story of creation. In order to access it, however, one has to be a Level 5 Bank of Yashel member, a position which costs over 5 000 gold to achieve. Other quotes from the gospel are known, however, including:

• "It is easier for a rich man to get into heaven than it is to jump over a gold coin."
• "It is much better to receive than to give."
• "The weight of one's money bag ought always be lighter than his heart."

Phanatat's Bible

Phanatat's Bible abruptly ends halfway through, with the immortal words "Will finish later." Every copy of Phanatat's Bible traditionally contains blank scroll equal in length to the completed verse.

• It also contains the story of the poor man, who approached one of Phanatat's worshippers on the street. The worshipper happily agreed to give the man some gold, however had to go and fetch it from home. When home, he put it off. Finally, eight years later, he got around to giving the poor man some gold, and discovered that the poor man had indepedently become one of the richest men in the city. This is cited by Phanatat's worshippers as evidence that procrastination helps the poor.

The Gospel of Yettle

The story of Yettle is said to be one of the greatest ever told. Tangents, twists, turns, tea. Sadly, it had not yet been told. But it is on the top of the list, once the Voice finishes his cup of tea.

The Gospel of Wesley Fake

Worshippers of Wesley Fake are not permitted to view their gospel until they are no longer under the delusion that gods exist. If they ever reach this point (known as "Enlightenment") then they no longer have any interest in seeing what the gospel says.

Frastaire's Choreograph

The Choreograph contains many pieces of advice for dancers, including the formal dress for priests - A top hat, white tie, and tails. Most of Frastaire's words are incredibly vague, which causes worshippers to endlessly ponder their meaning, and non-worshippers to look upon the god as a bit of a dill.

• Be easy to dance with.
• Face the music and dance.
• I'm building up to an awful letdown.
  • This is perhaps the most depressing thing found in any gospel. Many Frastairians take this to mean that there is no afterlife, and the purpose of life is simply to dance and enjoy onesself.
  • Others believe it to be a simple spelling mistake, and that "awful" is meant to be "lawful", announcing that some day, there will be a huge musical apocolypse, destroying all of lawful alignment, leaving only the neutral and the chaotic.

Gad's Gossip Gospel

Gad (the God of Gab) rereleases her gospel 6 times every month. It contains the latest news about the romantic going-ons of the gods, when one is entering (or leaving) a relationship with another, or a fight between friends, or a new rivalry etc etc etc. It is only allowed to be viewed by worshippers of Gad, and they are forbidden to talk about it with other worshippers, so naturally, everyone knows exactly what's happening as soon as they are released.

An example excerpt:

• I heard from x, that y overheard that z thinks that Yettle and Geoff are getting together! And when a saw b with c, she freaked out and slapped d. I hear they have some history, about when d told a that b liked c, even though it wasn't official. Then the universe was created. But when e kissed a MORTAL woman, well, z y a and d decided to shun x b and q and then they formed a band to piss off z, 'cause he always wanted to be in a band.
• Each gospel contains a section entitled "What's Holy", detailing the latest fashion trends.

The Scroll of Ocid

Ocid, God of Cleanliness, insists that his scroll is read from top to bottom once a day, to ensure that it doesn't collect any dust. Ocid's Bible originally contained tips for keeping clean, however worshippers were reluctant to re-read this every day, so over time, the content changed from advice on cleanliness to a story about a man and a woman getting together romantically, while being pursued by some monsters nicknamed "Beasts of Grime" by Ocid's worshippers.

While there are a few cleaning tips distributed throughout the scroll, the bulk of them are now available in a separate scroll, called "Ocid's Bible". This is only available to be read at one of Ocid's Immaculate Temples, where it is cleaned every day. Many new worshippers are attracted to Ocid's church every year by the image on the front of his official gospel, the man and woman standing on the front cover, him topless, her in a semi-open shirt, her bosom heaving, and both of them holding knives dripping with blood.

The Scroll of Ocid is consistently one of the most popular scrolls in All-That-Is, its intriguing plot and snappy style remaining intriguing to people who have worshipped Ocid for over 100 years, and reread it every day. It's only available to worshippers of Ocid, and is considered to be solely responsible for his consistent position in the "Top 20 Most Popular Gods" list every year.